Quidditch in Bed: TextualSphinx's Challenge
by Angel of the North
Summary: The Gryffindors guide to getting the ahem quaffle through the hoop. Chapters 6 and 12 added: Chaser Tactics, and post match etiquette
1. About the challenge

Quidditch in Bed: TextualSphinx's challenge  
  
The following story is based on 'Why Slytherins are Sexier' a one-shot piece by Textual Sphinx (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=339569), which came out of the sorting hat song by morrigan.  
  
Most of this is innuendo, and not particularly explicit. However those of delicate sensibilities should be careful of where they direct their eyes. For this reason it is rated R. It is inherently sexist.  
  
Details of the challenge:  
  
It must have certain chapter titles and quotations from WSAS.  
  
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Without further ado, May I introduce:  
  
Quidditch in Bed  
  
by Wideshee Hyde and Gohen Seeker  
  
Chapter titles:  
  
Chapter 1 ~ The playing field  
Chapter 2 ~ Choosing your equipment  
Chapter 3 ~ Sizing up the opposition  
Chapter 4 ~ Setting up a match  
Chapter 5 ~ Employing a referee  
Chapter 6 ~ Standard Manoeuvres: Chasing  
Chapter 7 ~ Advanced Manoeuvres: Chasing - beating the keeper  
Chapter 8 ~ Standard Manoeuvres: Keeper - when you need to fend them off  
Chapter 9 ~ How to be a good sport  
Chapter 10 ~ Seeker diversions  
Chapter 11 ~ Seeker tactics  
Chapter 12 ~ Polishing your broom  
Chapter 13 ~ Equal Scoring*  
Chapter 14 ~ Your Witch and the Snitch*  
"It isn't enough to find the Golden Snitch, grab it and think you've won the game. This is where your expert tactics are just beginning."  
Chapter 15 ~ After the game - etiquette  
Chapter 16 ~ Unforeseen consequences - why you should know your rules  
Chapter 17 ~ Setting up a return match.  
Chapter 18 ~ Playing away  
Chapter 19 ~ Coping with injuries  
Chapter 20 ~ Taking care of your mates  
  
*required elements. 


	2. First Chapter: the playing field

Quidditch in Bed  
  
Chapter 1 ~ the playing field  
  
The point of this little book is to help a wizard to catch the snitch in the most enjoyable ways possible. Quidditch relies on the abilities of the individual wizard, and if one member of the team is deficient in the sport it lets the side down. The future of the game relies on your acquiring sufficient expertise to play a good game. Like quidditch this activity when played well is extremely pleasurable, and is best played in an atmosphere of sporting behaviour.  
  
It is important to survey the whole stadium, before you begin, in order to look out for potential pitfalls, and also for possibilities for easy scoring. Playing predictably is the fastest way to lose, but if you have a well-executed manoeuvre, then stick with it, as it will improve your confidence.  
As with any game of quidditch, excessive consumption of alcohol before any match is considered ill-advised. Although potions are available to help in this situation, excessive consumption is the fastest way to wind up the game with a crashed broom, and no game-plan.  
  
Knowing your territory is important - having your own place in the changing rooms matters in these situations. Although communal baths have their place, it isn't considered the most advisable way to begin a match, unless your witch is a particularly good sport.   
Begin the event with good preparation. Look out for missiles that might mimic the snitch, but prove to be nothing more than a mere distraction from the real thing.  
  
Know who the opposing team are, and what their weaknesses are. This is best done by close observation. Casual players may want to skip on this bit, but the expert quidditch player will know the advantages of knowing all the manoeuvres and tactics of the opposing team.  
Begin by knowing the layout of the stadium - where the nooks and corners are that might allow you for some covert feinting without actually having to commit to a particular action  
  
Of course, the point of the game is to get your quaffle through the hoop, and therefore this text will focus primarily on this aim. However a word to the wise wizard may be:  
  
Ignore her bludgers at your peril - you miss out on the possibility of a great deal of entertainment. Unlike your usual bludgers however they should be treated with a small measure of delicacy. Our Witches like to be treated with some respect for their person. A poorly handled bludger may well rear up and cause injury to your face, and I would advise you to remember this when handling your witch. It isn't simply the bludger, but the force that is behind it that one should consider when handling these temperamental objects.  
  
Like your quidditch field, your witch doesn't simply consist of one hoop. We, the authors, would like to draw attention to the other hoops, and point out that scoring through these can also be quite satisfactory.  
Ultimately of course, the goal is to find that elusive Golden Snitch, that wins the game, and allows you to head for your shower and bed, safe in the knowledge that you have played a good game. Unlike quidditch however, a snitch can be caught by your opposition as well.  
  
This little book will provide you with an all round guide to the quidditch field. In the interest of equal opportunities and after repeated requests we have included chapters on equal scoring, and your witch and the snitch.  
  
Enjoy yourselves  
  
The Authors. 


	3. Second Chapter: choosing your equipment

Quick disclaimer - quidditch belongs to JKR. The title belongs to Sphinx. Please read and review  
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Choosing your equipment  
  
  
Your uniform  
Discretion is the better part of valour - there is no need to be too flash with your cash. On the other hand, you do want to be the Firebolt amongst the Nimbus series. Take care to co-ordinate with your friends - you want to stand out just enough from your team-mates, without actually playing a solo game. Your team-mates are there to make you look good, just as you are there to play along with their individual duels. There should be a wide selection of models within your chosen teams - bluebottles, and shooting stars, as well as Silver Arrows, and the odd Nimbus.  
Basic black robes are always a good place to begin. A word about transfiguring: don't. You risk having your clothes disappearing back into rags at an important juncture. Work within your means where you are able.  
Your clothes should emphasise your best features. A generous cut at the waist can conceal a poor execution, however they should not impair a rapid about-turn. A 'torulus' charm can improve the way a robe falls, giving the illusion of a better figure. However, it cannot remove evidence of an excess of butterbeer.   
Should you be flying solo, then ensure that you know your location, and the type of game that you will be playing.  
Protective equipment may be advisable - good abdominal protectors can be made using a 'vesicarius' charm. These will protect against most assaults, whilst at the same time allowing friendly contact.   
A good quidditch robe should differ from a standard robe in the following particulars - variety of places in which to hold a wand, numerous self-styling pockets to conceal your more bulky equipment. The cut should allow for easy movement, and if caught in an aerial entanglement allow for rapid egress.   
  
Selecting your spells.  
Potions that enhance your sporting prowess are available, but are not recommended in the spirit of good gamesmanship. Engorgement Charms, also known as viagra spells are dangerous, unless prescribed by a reputable medi-wizard. A good cushioning charm is very useful, especially if she wants to play rough with your broomstick. 'lambricus' is also a helpful charm for later in the gameplay.   
'Orchideous' is always useful, but one is reminded of a wizard who found himself at the wrong end of a beater's bat, when he was misheard. 'Corollarium' is less likely to be misunderstood, but more likely to be mispronounced.  
If one is unsure how regularly her broom has been ridden, then 'valetudinus'/valetudina' is a very useful spell for both of you. A pink glow indicates a broom that is in good shape, green indicates that you may need to get your broomsticks serviced. If you get a purple glow, then you should return to the manufacturer post-haste, and make sure you get a receipt.   
  
Getting to the playing field.  
Getting to a match can be tricky. A good floo-repellent on your face and cloak can save a great deal of embarrassment for the younger wizard. However this can have the disadvantage of a distinctive and persistent smell, which may be mistaken for broomstick wax. For the older wizard Apparition to somewhere in the vicinity of the match is advised. Landing on one's opposition is not a sensible course, and made induce penalties for stooging, or even a forfeiture of the entire match. A Port-key is an unnecessary extravagance for arriving at a date, although may make it a lot easier to exit from a particularly successful porskoff ploy with grace and panache. WARNING: these should only be used where the individual is confident with his use of the charm, and should be wand-activated, rather than on a timer. This makes it a lot easier to evade opposition beaters. (See also Chapter 18 for advice on diversionary tactics).  
Ensure that your witch knows where you will be meeting. If you are meeting at an unfamiliar location arrive in good time - referees tend to be upset by inconvenienced witches, and you may find your place on the team usurped.   
  
Your Locker Room  
Ensure that you have your own private locker-room available for the purposes for which you intend to employ it. It should be pleasantly fragranced, and the means for easy transfiguration should be at your disposal. Having a ready supply of Old Ogdens is always advisable, as is some good quality chocolates. Some Gillywater is also a good stand-by. When mildly inebriated, the opposition usually finds it hard to pass up a good quaffle.  
Any copies of Quidditch Illustrated and other similar publications should be carefully concealed, as these may be misinterpreted by an otherwise understanding witch.   
A coffin as a bed may give a wrong impression, and it is advised that you change this as rapidly as possible. Any cages that may be lying around should also be transformed.   
  
  
Equipment Maintenance  
  
Pre-match hygiene is important. You don't want to be letting the side down by poor turnout, or making your fellow-gryffindors pass out because of an excessive use of cologne.  
  
Careful handling of your broom is also important. Make sure that the shaft is kept clean, and that the handle is washed thoroughly around all the crevices and folds.  
Your twigs should also be kept clean. Some men may express a preference towards the way a woman's twigs are groomed. A good gryffindor should never venture to pass comment on these intimacies. Offering to 'groom her twigs' should be left until a lot later in the season.  
Your broomstick should be checked regularly for jinxes and hexes. This can be done quite easily by yourself, using the valetudinus charm. For interpretation of the results, please see your appendix.  
You will also need to check for knots in the wood, and other changes in the appearance of the whole broom. This must be done regularly and manually. Poorly maintained brooms can be dangerous to both yourself and your fellow players.  
Should you detect any problems the correct response is to do something about. Failing to visit a recognised medi-witch or wizard in these circumstances is a response worthy only of a slytherin. 


	4. Third Chapter: sizing up the opposition

Chapter 3 - sizing up the opposition.  
  
From the authors: this being a magical book, we made see fit to update this edition of the book as and when tactics change. Quidditch being the eternal pursuit that it is, we do not anticipate such changes. However if they do occur, I hope you enjoy them.*  
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A lot of pain can be spared by the simple dictum of 'know your opponent'. Firstly - sizing up the whole playing area is a good idea, ensuring that you have a good idea of where those Beater bats are, and where they're likely to be aimed.  
Arrive in good time, and take in the lie of the land, noting prices, setting up a bar tab if applicable, and take into account the other players. Do not make the mistake of dividing a room into team-mates and opponents - a Hufflepuff error. Unlikely alliances may be formed, albeit on a temporary basis, which may be used to good effect.  
  
Firstly look for possible distractions - there is nothing worse than someone tossing a coin when you're diving for that snitch. All's fair in love and war they say, and there's no such crime as snitch-knip here.   
  
Women can be grouped into different types, and trying to size up your opposition thusly may help to smooth away pre-match nerves better than the old ogdens, although a dram or two of that wouldn't harm you too much.  
  
In order to help you plan your game strategy, we have outlined for your convenience the typical witch in terms you will understand.  
  
  
Arrows  
Everything a wasp isn't. Fair, kind, generous, and not prone to throwing hexes. At least, that's what they want to believe.  
  
Bats  
She'll be downing them with the lads, as happy as anyone down the Leaky, after a game. Shake your hand 'no hard feelings' and a fully paid up member of the team pub fund. She knows she's as good as you, and she'll commentate on you, when you thought it was you who was the player in this game.  
Treat her as your equal in everything, and pull no punches with those beater bats, and you'll be doing the plumpton pass in 3.5 seconds.  
  
Catapults  
Maybe trampoline would be a better description for these athletes. Up down, in and out, and you're in the wrong place, on a soft, springy surface, instead of being fully in control of your broom, like you should be. They like to take their risks, so watch out for that Wronski feint. You won't know what's hit you by the time Dangerous Dai-ella's had her way.  
  
Cannons  
Eternal romantics, and possibly a born loser. These girls will swoon over the suggestion of flowers, never mind what happens if you buy her any. Try reading 'the smart magician's guide to muggle poetry' if you want something to impress her. The downside is that they don't give up on their team, even if they may downgrade their play.  
  
Falcons  
Vicious, silent, subtle: there's a reason these birds should be made to wear bells. Their prey stands little chance against the cruel beak and approaching claws.  
Typically their "handlers" will have bats that will destroy any ball that isn't a fully bespelled bludger - if you're facing that, they you can forget catching that snitch!  
Handling a 'falcon' your only hope is a quick 'hood' and prayer she becomes docile. Your opening words will determine your fate. Show her your strength and she'll respect you.  
  
Harpies  
That much oestrogen on a quidditch team is not healthy. Especially when it means 'handbags at dawn' when it comes to a rival team. Forget beater bats - they have nothing on these girls. All in it together - except when it doesn't suit them - they know how to party, and how to ride their broom.  
You won't be in control of any situation with these - they know their ploys, and you'll be taken for a ride.  
  
Kestrels  
smaller and gentler than the falcon, these girls hover at the edge of the game, biding their time, waiting for the quaffle to come their way. Underestimate them at your peril - these are resourceful, intelligent and bewitching.   
  
Magpies  
Snitches are just another pretty little bauble to add to the trophy cabinet. If it glitters, she wants it, and she'll happily pay the price, just as long as you're paying more.  
  
Prides  
She knows who she is, she knows who you're not. If you're reading this book, then you shouldn't even think about it.  
  
United  
Your solid, easygoing quidditch witch. Great to talk to, no need to apologise too profusely for wanting to talk about the great games you've played, just as long as you give her stories equal hearing. Happier on a broom than in the stands, she'll be a willing participant in most games.  
  
Wanderer  
Daddies girls, through and through - more protected than gringott's. She's used to her own way, and having men wrapped round her little finger. Just make sure her father stays off the pitch during the match and you'll be fine.  
  
Wasps  
Watch out for those goblins hanging round the place. These girls know where to place their bets, and how to cut their losses. Their only regret is that they're not meant to use their wands on the opposition.  
  
  
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*that's a hint, folks, that you might like to take another look at Chapter 2, end thereof.  
Thanks to any, Sphinx and Dahlia for your reviews. I really really appreciate them. I do have Author Alert enabled, if you can't be bothered checking for updates. Click that handy little list in the left hand corner, and check the "Author Alert" button when you leave that review.  
Thanks  
Angel of the North. 


	5. Fourth Chapter: Setting up the Match

  


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Chapter 4: Setting up the match.   
There are various factors that one should take into account when arranging a match for the first time, especially with an established team. There are plenty of pit-falls, ready to trap the unwary Quidditch player, and it is our intention to draw your attention to them, in order to gain a pleasurable detention.  
Once you have made your initial contact with the opposition team captain, one is advised to move to phase II - arranging a match.  
  
**Recent Opponents and Form**  
One should always be aware of the teams that your opponent has played against recently, whenever this information is readily available. I know that some of you may consider that ignorance is bliss, but does one really want to find oneself with a double-booked pitch?  
If your witch is a regular player, one should know precisely how long these games lasted for - in this case one does not want a witch capable of executing the plumpton pass every week. Games lasting a couple of months are to be preferred in their recent past - there should be no exhaustion, while ensuring that the broom hasn't been allowed to gather cobwebs. Some players may consider the latter case to be a better bet, as some teams are so desperate for a game that they'll play anyone, but your authors urge caution. These witches may be so used to practicing solo that they become a lot harder to play against, and may even expect a great deal more finesse from your clumsy hand passes.  
As far as recent opponents are concerned - you do not wish to find yourself competing with a re-match against a rival team. Be sure that the last game has finished - on both sides - before the next game commences, if necessary by conceding the snitch, and then locking it away.  
  
**Home or Away**  
Location, location, location - all good matches depend on atmosphere. There are some players who prefer to play away, hoping that a witch's natural familiarity with her surroundings may lead her to feel relaxed and let down her guard. It is also possible to use this to your advantage in order to increase her responsibility for the success of the skirmish. Cheering team-mates may help boost your confidence, but in the context of an intense practice session you may find them to be a distraction, and more of a hindrance than a help. It is best to leave them at home - even the most mild-mannered supporters may appear like hooligans to the opposition. Those supporters that gave you the strength to set up an individual encounter may now also be the broken brooms in the Hogwarts supplies cupboard.  
On the other hand, home advantage means just that - you know the lie of the land, and how the wind blows. Should the practice go on too late, then you're in the position to offer her a bed for the night. See also in this chapter 'pick up game or cup final' for details about choosing a particular location.   
Personal Quidditch doesn't rely on the spectators to make the players feel important. That is entirely down to how you choose to play it. wherever you choose to play, always have in mind your final desired outcome with that quaffle and snitch.  
A word to wise - playing on neutral ground is not considered advisable. It gives neither of you a natural advantage to be exploited, and is generally uncomfortable. The only time this might be suggested is when your cheerleaders from both sides are liable to drown out whatever delicate manoevres you were planning to execute, particularly when they are more certain of the consequences than you are.  
  
  
**Future Engagements**  
It is not advisable to make pitch bookings too far ahead, nor with too many different sides. This may lead to embarrassment, due to misjudgment.  
If you should find yourself in the happy position that you just keep letting those snitches out, then perhaps you should acquire your own pitch, in order to prolong the game.  
Hedging your bets as to which team will show is considered poor sportsmanship, and the player that does that should be grateful to escape with only minor hexes - twisted engorgement charms are not to be trifled with, especially when directed to specific parts of the anatomy.  
However, it may be considered prudent to have an occasional casual engagement available at short notice should the need arise. This may be mutually beneficial, especially when team captains of an older generation are asking when you're going to get a team of your own together, and let them coach again.  
Be warned - excessive repetition of this ploy may be disastrous, and lead to complications, such as anticipated interceptions on the part of the captains towards your co-conspirator. Do not under-estimate the fanaticism of Quidditch elders for discovering new talent and training the new generation.  
**  
Weather Conditions**  
Consider carefully before committing yourself to any matches as to precisely what conditions you will be playing in, and what the long range forecast is for your present area. Some witches have an inclination to drizzle all over your robes - where this is the case, you are advised to pack your shoulder pads, and make sure you have a good water-proofing charm on your robes.  
Foggy conditions can be hazardous, while mist can lead to a sense of adventure. Fog is defined when all recognizable landmarks are obscured at a distance of 20 feet in this case. For the experienced broom-rider fog can be an intriguing experience, particular if one has good company.  
The ideal conditions for riding are of course clear skies, and a light breeze, but one shouldn't expect these at all times. In many cases you may find that there is cloud on the horizon, and the apparent direction of the breeze is not always an indication that that cloud is going to stay there.  
Snow can be enchanting to begin with, but one really doesn't want to be suffering from emotional hypothermia. However well protected you think you are, a good Gryffindor prefers his witches warm-blooded. Hail storms are short-lived, unpleasant, and easily weathered.  
If you find frost settling in, beware of the cracks that form - you may later find them tripping you up.  
  
**Pick up game, or cup final**  
Finally, about the substance of the contest. Is this a pick-up game, arranged minutes before, or is it something you've had planned for months? Does your opponent know exactly what is going on - it can be very hard to stay one step ahead of your witch, but well worth the effort. She will be surprised if she thinks you're off to "Lunar Phase" when you're planning on a night at the Muggle opera.   
Whichever it is, plan the details where possible. Knowing "Which Witch" will help you gauge this appropriately. Try to pitch the level of play appropriately - unless she's a Slytherin and you've got a grudge - the plan is not to utterly humiliate her. Or even mildly embarrass her. It is to flatter, bedazzle and enchant her with your skills of illusion and sensation. The aim is to let your magic play through her robes like a breeze on a broomstick. Whatever the game, play like a sportsman. Play to win and win with style.  
  


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	6. Fifth Chapter: Employing a Referee

Chapter 5: Employing a referee  
  
You may be wondering how the use of a referee will transfer to the wider game of Quidditch. Never fear, all will be explained.  
  
As in any sport, there exist various courts of final arbitration, notably various books that pretend to be the ultimate authority on the timeless tackle between bedazzling broomsticks. You will note that this book does not claim a position of final authority, more that it provides pass notes that will enable you to play the game and play it well. As in most things the 1473 principle applies – you shouldn't be given ideas. Many of the fouls that you can play are held only in the folk memory of the witches, who are capable of remembering every single yellow card in a generally exemplary playing record. You, the wizard, are never allowed access to that list unless you commit one of those fouls, and even then you are expected to guess what you have done, braving the silencing spells, or even some vicious hexes. When asked, a Harpies representative commented that "we wouldn't want to give them wizards ideas, would we?" before proceeding to demonstrate a few fouls of her own.  
For this reason it is generally suggested that you agree before hand the rules under which the match will be played, and to which court the final arbitration will be taken. You won't ever win, but at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you were actually in a position to know the rules.  
  
It is not generally considered a good idea to consult the public referees, as this is tantamount to treachery. Instead, you may prefer to consult the linesmen to ensure that what you are doing is within the rules.   
Generally, it is suggested that you have a reliable female to whom you can turn for advice. She should have at least a passing acquaintance with the general rules of play in your area, if not an idea of "the Rules" that seem to govern witches.  
She should be able to tell you what the expected reparations will be according to any fouls that you may or may not have committed. Note the may not. Even if she is in the wrong, it is likely that you will be the one paying the reparations to her, and not the other way around.  
Having a referee to whom you can both turn can have both its advantages, and its disadvantages. The danger is that the referee will find themselves trapped between two warring teams, and will decide to wash his or her hands of the entire match. You may also find that witches will naturally team up, or she may decide that the two of you are ganging up against your opposition.  
  
On the other hand, having a referee that knows both teams well allows for patterns of behaviour to be picked up and dealt with. Some wizards have a reputation for foul play, and having a reputable referee will reassure your witch of your honest intentions, and distance you from the less chivalrous individuals. It can work equally well to your own advantage, as certain witches choose to play by "The Rules" as opposed to the standard volumes on the sport. These include requiring you to cede home advantage to her for the first three games, and restricting you to purely practice games, without the real snitch or bludgers, until such time as you are able to demonstrate you are playing fairly. It is the considered opinion of the authors that you should not solicit the company of such witches, as, if they are choosing to play a different game, then it is their look out. It's rather like an American wizard coming over and expecting to play Quodpot at the World Cup Stadium.  
A referee that knows only one side is of necessity seen as being somewhat less than impartial. Although this can be helpful in the long term, in the short term it can lead to a few minor complications and misunderstandings.  
  
The aim should be that a referee is not needed, and indeed it is possible to play a game without one. For a game that is in danger of being prolonged, however, it can be too easy to be wrapped up in the inter-play between either side, and thereby failing to recognize a blatant foul that would be called by any others on the field. Stooging in particular can be a problem. For your benefit, we list a few common fouls.  
  
** Blagging** – holding your opponent back, in order to prevent them scoring goals. This is a very serious offence, and tends to occur later on in a game. However, tendencies may be marked at the earliest stages of a match, and should be judiciously avoided. If you find yourself repeatedly looking for a means of scoring the next goal, instead of simply enjoying the game, then maybe you should be playing a different sport.  
  
** Blatching** – in this version of the game, collisions can be engineered with some quite successful results. However childish pranks are best avoided, unless you are very good.  
  
** Cobbing** – poor table manners are inexcusable, and the young wizard is referred to Madame Min's guide to etiquette and deportment. The use of elbows at the dinner table is an appalling lack of manners, as it prevents the house-elves from completing their duties.  
  
** Bumphing** – Rude gestures to on-lookers are to be avoided. As young adults you should leave petty rivalries and inter-house squabbles behind in Hogwarts. There is a danger that you may find yourself endangering yourself, or upsetting one of her beaters, a situation that is best left alone.  
  
** Flacking** – If someone else has reached the goal hoops before you do, the chivalrous thing to do is to bow out gracefully, and leave the sour grapes to someone else.  
  
** Haversacking** - holding onto the quaffle while scoring is not done. And putting ones hand sans quaffle through the hoop in its entirety is not something that we even contemplate.  
  
** Quaffle-pocking** – Having damaged equipment or having damage inflicted on your equipment is somewhat unpleasant, and one of the few times that any referee is liable to rule in your favour, provided the damage isn't due to poor maintenance on your part.   
**  
Stooging** – more than one player entering the scoring area is something only done with the consent of all parties, and a good deal more than a casual acquaintance.   
  
** Snitchnip** – completing your game and then abandoning it, or else catching a snitch that was meant for someone else. All may be fair in love and war, but Quidditch is simply a game, and should therefore be played in a sporting manner. Some people argue that it is both, but it still doesn't excuse being a bad sport.  
  
  
  
Authors Notes: Thanks to the following for their reviews:  
Maria Lupin, Badsight (twice), Avadriel, DM Slashgirl (twice), Dragonwitch27, DraconisArgenteus, Liz R, EnchantedOnyx (twice), snowbunny, buttermallow, SoAntigone (twice), magickwizard2000, MuffyTaj, Slowfox, Bella the Dark, Tan Phoma, Tabitha82, edition1013, Cushie Butterfield, purplefire, Michael Malfoy, LeChatQuiGardeLaLune, Hermione0018, FangedHinkiepunk, Sarahjane10784 (twice), Devil's mind, Princess Kattera, Fork-tongued angel, Deirdra Dragonheart, Sirius Like A Bath, M4X, fantasy snapdragon [All on FictionAlley]  
  
webba, kiley, any (thrice) Wheelerchick, Slytherincess, shewhodares, Elizabeth, Sphinx, Dahlia, [All on ff.net]  
  
And of course to the wonderful Slytherincess and Sphinx, for beta-ing, prodding at me, and laughing with me  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Sixth Chapter: Chaser Tactics

6: Standard Manoeuvres: Chasing  
  
There is little point in being the best chaser in the world if at the end of the day, a lack of power in the old broomstick fails to catch you the final snitch. Nor is there any point in playing fast and loose without good defensive tactics in beater and keeper skills that will guard both your own hoops and those of your witch, while fending off any opposition.  
  
Therefore this book will guide you through the tactics needed at each position in the great game, with basic and advanced tips, according to your own prowess. Essentially, Quidditch relies both on the skill of the individual and the complementary skills of your team. Your witch also will seldom play the earliest matches solo, although the later matches are nearly always played one-on-one, except in exceptional circumstances more may be invited. You cannot, however, rely on your team-mates to make up your deficiencies if you can barely ride your own broomstick. There is a limit as to how much can really be achieved if they are perpetually bolstering up the weakest members of the team. The art is in learning to ride well, single-handed, and with confidence, and to trust to your own instincts.  
  
#1: Know your broom  
  
Get to know your broomstick thoroughly, and learn what to expect when asked to perform under certain conditions. You should know how it is likely to behave in certain situations, particularly in response to tension. This way, if it suddenly bucks or jolts, then you have some idea what you are in for, and possibly have some strategy for how to deal with it. If necessary, you may find you prefer to wear loose- fitting Quidditch robes, for ease of access and manoeuvrability.  
  
Once you have this knowledge, get over yourself. Do not devote all your energies into comparing models, excessive servicing, polishing, admiration or attempting to subdue it to your complete control. Accept that it is wilful, and has its own magical inclinations, and work with it, rather than against it.  
  
#2: Play with your Balls  
  
There isn't only one ball in a game of Quidditch you know. Bludgers and Quaffles are as important as that golden snitch, and one does not have to catch the snitch every time in order to have an enjoyable time. (The authors note however, that generally catching the snitch is a very good thing, but should not be accompanied by excessive celebrations). Passing the Quaffle is best likened to good communication between the team members, and between the opposing sides. It should be thrown cleanly with account made for circumstance and company. Each Quaffle is different, and you should practice carefully with the ones you have, nothing the speed with which they fall, the acute sensitivity to atmospheric conditions, and their own quirks and faults. Using tricks and feints cautiously is always sensible - too much and they cease to have the element of surprise, too many and no one will trust you or want to play with you any more. Quaffles are more independently minded than you might think, though less capricious and elusive than the snitch, and more docile than a pair of Bludgers. In the advanced tactics section, we will look at the different ways of passing the Quaffle to your team-mates, and how this can improve your play. In this section, we look at the basics.  
  
Practises: Learn to do commentary with the minimum of waffle. Introduce your team with the salient information, remembering that there are many exciting plays going on, and you don't want to waste too much time. Be prepared to elaborate if necessary, but start from a position of brevity. Know who's on your team. One of your friends may find the initial sighting of a witch enough to lose his head and his broom for half an hour. Keep his witch distracted until he's able to rejoin the team- play, and be prepared to bring him up to speed. If they are easily phased, then regular exposure to understanding witches is essential if you are to function well as a team.  
  
#3: practice improving your balance Keep one hand over your broom at all times, and try to function the rest of the time as normal, without anybody noticing. Learn how to fly no hands is an important skill, and having a high degree of control over your broomstick is very important. You need to be at one with your broom, accept it as being as much a part of your body as your brain or your hands. Full control comes with time, but even experts may find themselves discomfitted by a well-executed pass. If you find yourself getting excessively hot during warm ups, then you need to think cooling thoughts - remember the last very cold shower you had. A cooling charm will interfere with your body's standard responses, and may result in hypothermia and possibly frostbite. The latter in particular should be avoided - Conglacio is not a charm for amateurs, as it can cost the limb you intended to cool.  
  
Practices: learn how to cast Contego adequately, and how to apply it to the area immediately in front of your broomstick. Remember that ther  
  
#4 Catching and throwing Learn this on the ground first. Not all quidditch balls are adequately charmed, and some may require skills closer to those of a seeker to improve your chances of catching them. Natural camaraderie and comic routine among a team can prove eye-catching to the witch population. Most witches rate 'Natural Charms' and 'Good Sense of Humour' as being the most important assets that a wizard can have. ('Bulging Wallet' was suppressed from the questionnaire - not everyone can be Lucius Malfoy).  
  
Practises: Have a couple of witty anecdotes, either from your own experience or those of your friends. Avoid being trapped by Urban Legends, or other such atrocities. If you don't know the background of your witch, then leave the 'Magic in Muggleland' tales for another time, as they come across as being something worthy only of an eleven year old in his first flying lesson. 


	8. Twelfth Chapter: Polishing your broomsti

  
  
A/N: I have Support Services, which means that when you leave your review, if you click the box that says "Author Alert" you'll find out when I post new chapters. Thanks and acknowledgements are at the bottom of the page. my LJ tends to have the uncut versions, and updates before the rest. You'll also find there a poll of sorts to find out what chapters you want me to write next.   


* * *

**Twelfth Chapter: Polishing Your Broomstick**  
  
This is an activity that is much overlooked, seen as an unnecessary distraction by many wizards. We would like to stress the importance of this, and add that your witch may well thank you for the mastery of the technique. We would also like to remind you that practice makes perfect in all forms of the game, and just as you may find a solo flying lesson helpful, so you may find some good quality time spent maintaining your broomstick.  
  
You may have heard rumours that polishing your own broom may lead to unfortunate physical abnormalities. These are more likely to be the result of hexes than any direct causal relation. Should these occur - such as sprouting twigs from your hands, inability to see the snitch, or an excess of boils - you are advised to consult your local curse-breaker or Medi-witch. In the appendix you will also find a list of common hexes, and how they may be removed.  
  
Such pranks are the result of the immature player failing to appreciate the need for a firm grip on the capabilities of his equipment. It is a normal and natural activity for a healthy young sportsman such as yourself to be involved in, and neither is it confirmed merely to ranks of the not so young. The implication of the insult is that a person who chooses to fly solo does so only because they are unable to get a quaffle through the hoop. Might we remind you that "seekers always get the snitch" is true because they are solo fliers, as well as being part of the team. There is nothing to stop them handling a quaffle, they choose not to. However they need the help of their team-mates to catch the snitch, and to make it worthwhile.  
  
It is perhaps a lesser known fact that witches enjoy this activity, in particular the delicate manipulation of their own quaffles, and it is possible to enjoy the care and maintenance of your precious Nimbus to mutual advantage. There is a school of thought that for one to get the best out of a game, first you must know the moves that you can execute, and how they are best achieved. Only then can you teach them. Others espouse the method that practise makes perfect, and that is fun to explore together. It being a practice, there are no limits to how many times you catch the snitch nor how many ways there are of finding it in the first place.  
  
There are a few people labouring under the misapprehension that anything less than the quaffle through the central hoop is not a real game, nor does it count when making tallies. Aside from the obvious - that making tallies is not Good Sporting Behaviour - we would say that mutual maintenance does come under the heading of a significant event, and should not be over-looked.  
  
**Technique and Timing**  
Polishing your broomstick can be used as a warm up for the main game, or as a game in its own right. This versatile activity can be done on its own, or in the presence of others, and should not be underestimated for the variations that can be executed on this theme.  
It can be used to test your equipment, to find your preferred flying style, and to improve your endurance and technique. It can also be used to check the health of your broom, and is not solely confined to the shaft, but also the twigs and golden snitches, ensuring that the charms linking them are smooth, and that sensation is not impaired.  
  
You may like to experiment with different techniques _ the simplest is to grip the shaft like you would your Nimbus _ firmly but gentle, and adjust your grip according to comfort and required response.  
You make your own hoop, using your fingers to encircle the shaft, and then practice scoring with the quaffle, adjusting to check your accuracy through different sizes of hoop.  
  
As you develop a more intimate understanding of your own equipment, you may find that a good polish can make all the difference. There are several sorts available commercially, and of course it is possible to make your own, using simple ingredients to enhance sensation, and to leave your shaft well nourished and glossy.   
  
If you decide to use a commercial polish, try rubbing it in using different techniques _ small circles can be very effective, as can very light touches, and as satisfying in their results as more strenuous efforts. You may find that your witch is a source of good information on rubbing in polish, and that it extends far further than simply the shaft.  
  
If you should choose to polish you witch, you may like to ask for a demonstration of how she likes it done. Follow closely, and note well what she finds preferable. Of course, one of the best natural polishes is saliva. How you choose to administer this _ whether directly or indirectly, is of course up to you. It is not advisable to mix commercial polishes with the former technique.   
  
Polishing your broomstick in the presence of your witch, and not doing the same for her is very bad sportsmanship, and we refer you to the two following chapters for advice about technique and registering the score.  
  
It is not true that excessive practice will lead to insanity, stunting growth, nor is there a limit to the number of times in your life that you can polish your broom.   
  
  
**Appendix**  
_Pilomanus_ Hairy hands  
_Hobbipod_ Hairy feet - both of these can be dealt with using Mitige! You are advised to this a little at a time, or you may find yourself going bald.  
_OrCaecos_ Golden Blindness  
_Mulceopudendis _Soft Shaft. Do not counter this with a viagra charm _ it can lead to severe complications, including engorgement of the whole area which can be far more difficult to deal with. There is also the possibility that this is not caused by a hex.   
_*Priapus_ _ also known as the fourth unforgiveable. This can only be lifted by consensual sexual activity between two people. This is not a joke curse, and should not be treated as such. Although it is not technically an unforgiveable, its use against the will of the participants is subject to a sentence in Azkaban of varying duration, dependent on intent.  
_Insanificate_ _ The basic madness curse. Results in disorientation, and disordered thought. An unpleasant curse, but wears off quite rapidly. Similar in nature to a Confundus curse.   
_Curtosis_ _ In wizarding terms this means the actual loss of height, which can result in the the topical or general application of a charm, hex, cloak or potion. There is a need to prove the loss in height before any rectifications are made, as the solutions available will not deal with simple genetics, and may have some horrific results.  
_Hobbitosis_ _ hairy feet, with or without curtosis. You may well be turning into a hobbit. This is a normal state for some, but is not always seen as being desirable. If it is a hex, it will wear off without intervention within a maximum of a week. If itÅfs not, deal with it.  
  
A/N: *Priapus belongs to Abby, from the tale "the fourth unforgiveable" on   
Thanks to all who've reviewed:  
  
  
  



	9. Thirteenth Chapter: Equal Scoring

Chapter 13: Equal Scoring   
It is possible for witches to catch the snitch through various means - more information is given in the subsequent chapter, "Your witch and the snitch". The purpose of this chapter is about the interpretation of her signals in the contact version of the game.  
  
Although in general Quidditch is a non-contact sport, it has been discovered by generations of young wizards that the full contact version yields a great many rewards, not just for themselves, but also for their witches. It is important that you know what the score is between you, as a happy witch means a happier wizard, and the best way to keep a happy witch is to keep the scores approximately even.  
  
You have to be aware that witches and wizards will score things in very different ways. For a witch, each event counts as one thing, while for a wizard something big counts for forty points, and something small for two or three. For your witch, all events are otherwise equal. There are certain exceptions. Catching the snitch for her on multiple occasions raises the points score in orders of magnitude, rather than on a simple scoring scale. Catching the snitch really is worth more than putting the quaffle through the hoop in this game.  
Each bludger handled manfully allows for another quaffle to be scored through the hoop. Potter passes on her quaffles are an excellent choice of manoevre, and may assist her in catching her own snitch.  
  
There are certain ways in which you can ascertain as to whether she has caught her snitch - look out for a response similar to how she might respond to any happy event – arms thrown out, head back, cries of gay abandon. These are all good indicators that she has indeed caught the snitch. You may find that your broomstick is better greased than otherwise, or that the grip on it is adjusted somewhat, depending on the nature of her scoring. Do not be surprised if she bursts into tears, hugs you, or starts praying - this is all completely normal, and will pass with time. If the words include "deliver us from evil" then I might suggest you be a little concerned, however.  
As in any match, time should be taken to congratulate the seeker on an excellent result. You should also congratulate yourself on the teamwork taken to assist her in catching the snitch.  
Only when she is quite ready should you continue to try to score goals - it may be that she prefers to continue the game the following morning. In this situation, it is important to your position in the league that you should concede the match, something no captain in a winning position likes to do. However, it is occasionally necessary. You may find you broomstick snapped, and your snitches confiscated, otherwise.  
  
Someone suggested the quickest way to telling whether or not she has caught the snitch is to ask. One is reminded of one sad fact: They lie.  



	10. Fourteenth Chapter: your witch and the s

Fourteenth chapter: Your Witch and the Snitch  
  
It isn't enough to find the Golden Snitch, grab it and think you've won the game. This is where your expert tactics are just beginning. Only if it's been an exceptionally bloodthirsty game do you go straight to the locker room, no matter how tired you are.  
It is generally considered good manners to stay in the land of the conscious for at least five minutes after catching the snitch, in order to praise her game-play, and exchange pleasantries about the evening. Whether you intend to take an early shower and return to your own locker room, or whether you intention is more companionable, either way, you should show courtesy to your partner.  
A good wizard will take the time to ensure his witch is comfortable, and to see if she's caught her own snitch.  
  
It may come as a surprise to a wizard that a witch can catch the snitch, and even more so that, like any game of quidditch, to win the game does not necessarily mean just putting the quaffle through the hoop over and over again. A measure of subtlety and finesse is required.  
Quidditch in bed should be treated as a game with an infinite number of possible snitches. Some witches seem able to catch a snitch 3, 4 or 5 times in a row. What the wizard in the street doesn't realise is that the more times your witch catches the snitch, the better in reflects on your team as a whole, and particularly you as an individual. You don't need notches on the bed-post to know a happy witch - the sparks shooting out of her wand tend to give it away. Especially when she's not in contact with it.  
  
Your witch may never have caught a snitch before (see 'equal scoring: how to tell the real thing) so treat her gently. When you've caught the snitch, don't simply do a victory roll, stay with it, and hold her in your arms in celebration. Let the victory party start with her bludgers, with gentle but firm caresses. Witches have their own miniature quaffles, which they keep near their hoops. if you locate this quaffle, then gently get a sense of it - feel how small it is, and then run your fingers round the hoop, before returning to the quaffle, which should give you an idea of what you're dealing with. Your movements should be firm, and you should respond to the play, rather than going in with any particular strategy.  
  
Ask her what she wants, and whether she likes it or not. She may not answer immediately, nor may she answer in any coherent manner. In this case, the less coherent her manner, the more likely she is to be enjoying it.  
The words 'No, No, No' in this context aren't necessarily a sign that she wants you to stop. 'Stop' however is. It is the only time when playing quidditch that the rules do not apply as usual. In fact, by stopping, you might be accused of 'snitchnip' and forfeit the game, or at the very least incur severe penalties.  
THis is not a time for heroics, nor is it a time to plunge blindly into an ever-deepening chasm. Take your time to observe the apparent chaos that presents itself, and act accordingly.  
  
The suggestions below are for guidance only, and do not come with any guarantee of success. You may want to try a sensitivity charm, on yourself, so that you do not polish her broomstick too vigorously with your quidditch hardened hands. Such polishing may indeed be counter-productive, and fail to achieve the stated objective - that is, that your witch should catch her snitch.  
  
It has become fashionable amongst some witches to claim that Quidditch is still Quidditch even if you don't put your quaffle through her hoop. Sigmund Freud, the inventor of Psychoanalysis (a kind of Muggle Religion that doesn't have a Deity) wrote that a witch couldn't get the snitch unless she got your quaffle through her hoop. Many female psychoanalysts now claim the opposite: that it's all about her own quaffle, and that unless it is activated, she won't score at all.  
  
While they may have a case, the authors are bound to point out that this isn't very sporting, and could lead to a total emasculation of the game. After all, there's only one all-female Quidditch team, and we know what they're called.  
  
If you become an expert in the manipulation of her quaffle, and show it respect, your witch will not be tempted to go off and play all on her own (or in all-women teams). Don't be afraid to ask her the direction in which it should be approached - her quaffle is much more sensitive than yours: you REALLY don't want to rub her up the wrong way, and direct contact may cause discomfort.  
  
To begin with, take her in your arms gently. Try not to direct all your attention to her bludgers at the expense of missing the hoops. She is likely to be sensitive to your touch, and may be inclined to make some noises. This may be considered like a cheerleader's cry, and on no account should you stop playing. Make use of your hands to caress her all over, listening to what she's telling you, while at the same time experimenting to see what gives a response.  
  
You may find that each witch has different areas of sensivity. Some are universal - such as the area around her own quaffle, and her bludgers, while others may be more idiosyncratic - her upper arms, or the nape of her neck. Do not be afraid to try something unusual - she may find a scoring zone she never knew she had.  
  
Before you play with her quaffle for real, you may like to try on the practice quaffles on her bludgers. These respond to stroking in much the same way, and it is possible for her to catch her snitch through skilful manipulation of these alone.  
  
Her quaffles will respond to different touches as readily as any well-made broom. Like the firebolt, she will have reactions to most caresses. However you might want to be aware that these responses may not necessarily be favourable. Try using different fabrics, or even different broom-polishing techniques. Just as you may enjoy scoring through all her hoops, she may well enjoy scoring through yours, and you should be prepared to reciprocate what you ask or receive from her, as a general rule of thumb.  
  
After a witch has caught the snitch, she may well not want you to touch her for a little while. If you are near to catching your own snitch, then complete your ploy, if you are not, then call for time out, and let her re-group. If it is the first time either of you has caught the snitch or put the quaffle in the hoop, your reactions may surprise you.  
  
Some women may not want you to help her catch the snitch. It is her choice, and not necessarily a reflection on your sportsmanship. However if she starts cobbing, you may take it as an indication that your presence is not required.  
---oOo---  
A/N This being a magical book, chapters may spontaneously decide to re-arrange themselves. Huge great thanks to TS for providing a large chunk of this chapter. Shouts out to Slytherincess, and all those who've reviewed. More chapters will be arriving shortly. 


	11. Fifteenth Chapter: Post Match Etiquette

Quidditch in Bed 15: After the match: postmatch etiquette  
  
After the game, you may wish to head for the locker room and smoke a cigarette, before taking a very self-satisfied look at yourself as you drift into the lands of Morpheus, and possibly retract a certain amount of what you said to your witch in the process of the game. After all, a certain amount of verbal interaction is necessary, and is considered by the boys to be good gamesmanship. A word to the wise: These actions are not considered to be advisable if you wish to reach the fulness of your years. I[Ed's note- It's generally surprising that men last as long as they do, given their reputed behaviour]/i  
  
Unlike Muggle society, there has always been a certain balance to being magical, and there is generally a far greater respect for our witches than a muggle to his female counterpart.  
  
This section will guide you through the pitfalls of post-match gameplay, and assist you in the correct procedures, with the handy checklist at the end of the chapter.  
  
If you really do want to collapse after a game, then casting a disillusionment charm on yourself, and hoping that your witch doesn't notice is not the politest way to behave. Is it? Nor is it likely to increase your chances of a repeat match. If you must slip off, then promise to catch up for a post-match coffee at a later point in time, and do not fail to make that appointment. It may merely be that after 20 minutes you will meet her in the locker room, or that you will take her to dinner at a fancy restaurant that evening. Witches like the reassurance that you are part of the team, and not merely in it for the pick-up game, and they have the hexes to make their position known if they are not happy.  
  
There is of course a world of difference between what a witch would like, what a witch expects, what she actually gets, and what she says. For many wizards the dissipation of tension after the final snitch is a cue to wander off to the bar, have a quick cigarette, engage in a pass-by-pass analysis or simply drop off for a nap. A witch is more inclined to bathe in the afterglow of a successfully completed innings with those to whom she is the closest, discussing the result and the likely outcmoe and generally being reassured about what happened over the course of the match. She may also wish to indulge in fantasy quidditch, and the wary, wily wizard should be careful about his answers, before he finds himself preparing the robes and booking the stadium.  
  
Charms You may, at this point, be realising that you should have cast charms to prevent injury after the game. It is not advisable to do so, under any circumstances without the full formal consent of your witch, as these require a lot of skill, and can be considered a gross violation of your witch. Under the Wizarding Statutes, you may be remanded in Azkaban for an indefinite period, and subject to an unlimited fine. These statutes have been in place since the Parva Carta of 1216, which accorded rights to witches, following a successful campaign led by Gunhilda Kneen.  
  
Post game analysis There are certain things that you should steer clear of when making conversation in a somnolent state. Witches are programmed to keep going on and on, while Wizards tend to work with short bursts of energy. If necessary, you may wish to cast iEvigilo/i. However, doing this for prolonged periods may cause the usual signs associated with lack of sleep, and may impair your performance. You may also find it more difficult to sleep later on. Try to be honestly complimentary, and steer away from where she can plausibly read things into what you say. If she is frequently inclined towards reading deeper into your words than you intended, then falling asleep rapidly may be your only option, and you find that there is a case to be made for finding a new opponent. Being faced with a dissertation of how the superstructure of expression (your tired ramblings) reflects your underlying biases (that you don't rate her as a quidditch player) is not nice. Even if it is true.  
  
Tell her that you find her attractive, that you liked the way she played with your broomstick, or the new way of scoring that she came up with. Some wizards are very unimaginative about what can constitute a hoop, and this is where your witch may be unenlightened. This is, however, not necessarily the best time to bring up that new gameplay you saw in Quidditch Weekly, unless she brings it up first.  
  
A note on stray snitches. It may be that she prefers to leave a snitch or two to catch on her own, particularly if you're a better chaser than seeker. You may find that judicious practice with her at catching her snitches may be advisable, but there are times when this is not a good idea, and you should cut your losses and leave it there. After a long hot game of quidditch it may be that your reflexes and eyesight have been distorted, and you have little hope of catching the golden balls, and more chance of doing yourself or your witch a fierce injury in the process.  
  
Cleaning up Depending on the location of the game, you may find that you need to put kit away - Bludgers, Quaffles etc. This should be done discreetly, and with due attention to others who might be passing. You should ideally help each other, as this can prove as much fun as releasing the bludgers in the first place, or the game itself. The opportunity for humour should only used if it is done gently, and you and your witch are laughing with each other, and not at each other. iScourgify/i can be a very useful spell, although it should be wielded wisely, as you may find that your witch objects to the way your wand arranges her locker room. It should only be done by a competent wizard, otherwise you may find that it is far safer to do it by hand.  
  
Making an exit Try to do this tactfully - don't make promises that you can't keep. If you really want to spend some time alone, say so, and don't get dragged into an analysis of your motivations for doing so. If the match is a cause for regret, then the authors beg you not to employ memory charms on yourself, of either the magical or muggle kind. You may find that this particular game will provide useful in years to come, or that you look on it fondly. It is not a good idea to suggest that the reason that you are departing is for further team practice. You may prefer to have a good reason for leaving, especially at one o'clock in the morning, which will not arouse suspicion. Apparating straight from her locker to room to your bed may not be sensible, as apparating naked is not allowed, and the dangers of splinching yourself are greater when naked. There is also the danger of mistiming your re-appearance.  
  
Calling it a day This is not the time to do it. You may have a greater degree of clarity, but reserve your speeches for when you have the energy to withstand some serious hexing. If she decides to call it a day: Don't plead, don't beg, don't cry. Leave.  
  
Checklist: Has your witch caught her snitch? Does your witch wish to catch her snitch? Does your witch actually want you around, and does she want to talk to you? Have you got some nice things to say to her? Is she chronically insecure about her gameplay? Are you better off with a different witch? 


	12. Appendix of Spells and Charms

  
_Corollarium_: Bouquet spell - more likely to be mispronouced than orchideous.  
_ Hobbipod:_ Hairy feet - both of these can be dealt with using _Mitige_! You are advised to this a little at a time, or you may find yourself going bald.  
_ Insanificate_ - The basic madness curse. Results in disorientation, and disordered thought. An unpleasant curse, but wears off quite rapidly. Similar in nature to a _Confundus_ class charms. If you suspect someone has been hit by this curse,   
_ Mulceopudendis:_ Soft Shaft. Do not counter this with a viagra charm - it can lead to severe complications, including engorgement of the whole area which can be far more difficult to deal with. There is also the possibility that this is not caused by a hex.   
_ OrCaecos:_ Golden Blindness. the counter charm is _Caste visum_. Where not used to counter Golden Blindness, the puresight charm will show you the world with more clarity than usual. It is not permanent, and cannot be used to correct standard visual faults. If used excessively, this may lose its effectiveness.  
_Orchideous_: Flower Spell - may be misheard as "you're hideous".  
_Pilomanus: _Hairy hands. Also may be treated using _Mitige_.   
_ Priapus_ - also known as the fourth unforgiveable. This can only be lifted by consensual sexual activity between two people. This is not a joke curse, and should not be treated as such. Although it is not technically an unforgiveable, its use against the will of the participants is subject to a sentence in Azkaban of varying duration, dependent on intent. The results of casting, if not lifted are as follows  
_Saeta Equina_ - covers the body with horsehair. Somewhat different from the other hair charms, and not nearly so simple to get rid of. You are advised to consult a medi-witch as soon as possible  
_torulus_: increases muscle tone, temporarily. Will not create what isn't there already.  
_valetudinus_: Performs a basic health-check. Purple indicates pregnancy when used in women (_valetudina _is the incantation). Pink is general good health, green requires a health-check. Blue indicates something that can be treated easily at home.  
_vesicarius_: will protect your golden snitches.  
_Viagra Spells_: These are a class of spells that will help improve the way your broomstick handles. They should only be used under advice from a mediwitch. They come in various forms, usually a charm or potion which is applied topically as required. There are some unfortunate wizards who have tried to kid a witch that they have a Firebolt, when it's actually a shooting star, by using an engorgement charm, or an elongation charm, or any one of a variety of spells from the _Standard Book_ twisted to suit their purpose. _Firmite_ is a useful, mild viagra-class spell, that can be used in emergencies. The results may not be dramatic, but they should save you from embarrassment.  
  
  
  
_ Curtosis_ - In wizarding terms this means the actual loss of height, which can result in the the topical or general application of a charm, hex, cloak or potion. There is a need to prove the loss in height before any rectifications are made, as the solutions available will not deal with simple genetics, and may have some horrific results.  
_ Hobbitosis_ - hairy feet, with or without curtosis. You may well be turning into a hobbit. This is a normal state for some, but is not always seen as being desirable. If it is a hex, it will wear off without intervention within a maximum of a week. If it's not, deal with it. If there is no apparent reason for this permanent state, please take your family tree for the previous 10 generations with you - this will conclusively prove that you are in fact a hobbit.  
  
A/N - _Priapus _belongs to Abby in her fic "the fourth unforgiveable" available at   
  



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